Cool Blogs ~ 'Anal Iced Bible'

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In The Beginning...

I really can't tell you how glad I am to not be running a blog where I try to knock down religious nutters' arguments.

For a start, I reckon I'd go nuts myself from frustration, as I see many on some forums and comments threads doing every day. And more importantly, there are just too many others doing it too well already.

Today's featured blog is called Anal Iced Bible, and is both a great laugh and an excellent introduction to the bible, should you want one. And to be honest and fair, I feel a good nontheist should at least have read a bit of what it is that so many people say they take more or less literally as the word of a supernatural power that created everthing.

You know what? There's a hell of a lot of Christian-types who (whisper this) haven't actually read the stupid book! Yes! It's true! Just ask a few. I'll bet you anything, whatever they may say, that you will get signs that this is true, if they don't admit it outright.

It's not surprising really. It's quite difficult to read, pretty disjointed, totally illogical of course, and Harry Potter and the Lord of the Rings and Winnie the Pooh and Alice are, quite frankly, much better reads.

However, they say it's the book ghost-written by the creator of all things and who are we to argue?

Well, today's blog pick does, actually, argue. He or she (or it) does it in a funny way, and you can just about read the entire bible with them (they're up to Samuel as I write) just by waiting for his next interleaved joke or pointing out of more nonsense. I highly recommend you have a look.

He starts, quite logically, with the creation of the universe, and here's a few snippets from the book of Genesis to whet our appetite. The commentary is in italics; the commented in Big Biblical Bold:

Genesis 1
¹In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.

Sorry quick qestion here, the beginning of what?

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¹⁶And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

Great we now have the sun and OK. I know I am quibbling here but we still on this day thing but Einstein states the speed of light is constant. Does it not take the light from Proxima centuri about 4.2 years to get here?

¹⁷And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

Hang on I thought it said this firmament thingy whatever it was seperated the up waters from the down waters have I missed something?

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²⁶And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth.

Who's this "US" he's talking to he never mentioned any help before?

²⁷So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them.
²⁸And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
²⁹And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.

If this man was vegetarian as this implies, why the fuck does god feel he has to say it will be as meat

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Genesis 2
 ⁷And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul.

Is this in addition to the couple he made last week? 

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¹¹The name of the first is Pison: that is it which compasseth the whole land of Havilah, where there is gold;

Gold? What the hell would he want that for?

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¹⁷But of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it: for in the day that thou eatest thereof thou shalt surely die.

Is this a friendly warning or a threat? He never mentioned anything about the possibility of getting his dangly bits caught in the shears.

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²¹And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof;

So why not just make her out of the ground like all the other animals? Whereas this seems more like some cloning type thing. Hang on, grown from a male rib the clone would be male too. Thats basic genetics so it was Adam and Steve.

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²⁴Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

How does he know what a father and mother is ?

²⁵And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.

So these other people he made in the first week ? Were they too stuck up to fraternise with the gardener?

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So there you have it. Pretty hilarious stuff I'm sure you'll agree. And if you don't then you're reading the wrong blog! So check out the Anal Iced Bible if you will and learn all about the good solid shite, what, ohh, two billion+ people believe even today. Dear oh dear oh dear...

Oh, by the way, if you really do want to start at the very beginning, then it's here. The navigation takes a bit of getting used to, oh, and I should say that if you prefer your ridiculing of the bible done a bit more politely, then Anal Iced Bible isn't actually the site for you. It's pretty crude.

See you in the gene pool

FrabulousFrog